Could a Roman Era Test Reduce Epedemic of Erectile Dysfunction Claims? The Army Medical Center of Excellence Thinks So!

Over the years there has been an increase in erectile dysfunction claims by veterans of all branches. A recently published military study found the percentage of men who served and suffer from erectile dysfunction to be approximately 14%, compared to 10% for those who did not serve. To make matters worse, approved Erectile Dysfunction claims automatically grant 20% disability to the Veteran. As one could imagine the increase in claims is becoming a costly problem for DOD budgets. The question posed by lawmakers on the House Armed Services Committee is how to test, to weed out people who may be taking advantage of generous VA disability benefits? The US Army Medical Center Of Excellence (MEDCoE), located at Joint Base San Antonio (JBSA), think they may have the answer.
 
According to MEDCoE top brass, the solution came from 2^nd Lieutenant Noah Cherry. In an interview 2^nd LT. Cherry stated, “I found the solution one evening when I had become bored with Snapchatting my privates and began browsing youtube.” When asked for clarification “Sir you mean snapchatting with your Privates”? The 2^nd Lieutenant responded with “Yeah, sure, whatever”! He continued, “I came across a documentary that had information about the early Roman Empire. In the documentary the Romans demonstrated what was called the Sheikh test. When asked who the documentary was by the Lieutenant stated the filmmaker was “Mel something or other”! When asked by one of our assistant reporters if he was sure that was a documentary, the 2^nd Lieutenant Scoffed, saying “Duh, history is in the title, of course it is a documentary”. The 2^nd Lieutenant continued to explain how the test works. To perform the Sheikh test a female moves in a particular rhythm in front of the test subjects who are holding what appears to be feather dusters. A test failure is indicated by a rising feather.
 
To test this idea 2^nd LT. Cherry needed a specialist to perform the Sheikh test. 2^nd LT. Cherry reached out to Arty Felter, the owner of “Casa De Culo Cabaret”, located in down town San Antonio. “This opportunity could not have come at a better time” stated Mr. Felter. “We are still reeling from the Covid shutdown”. My girls have bills to pay and we have not had any military in here for months. This will be a great way to attract new customers!

 

In June 2022 a test trial was performed, in front of the Commanding General of the US Army Medical Command, General R. Scat Dingleberry. According to General Dingleberry the Sheikh test “worked like magic”. All 5 Soldiers that had claimed erectile dysfunction failed the test. As a matter of fact the test was so effective it was immediately included in to the 68W-10 Limited Primary Care curriculum. This addition to the 68W-10 curriculum lasted only 1 month and was ordered removed by MEDCoE brass due to a massive spike in the number of sexual harassment complaints!

 

For our article, the top brass at JBSA allowed us to watch the test live! During the test 2 out of 3 Soldiers who were separating failed. We asked the lone Soldier who passed, SPC-4 Dante Geevashet how he felt about being the only one to pass the test and become eligible for VA disability. SPC-4 Geevashet stated “I was married to that stripper for 2 months when I was a Private and I still owe her 20K in back child support! If that won't kill a boner, nothing will!